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24 Sep

Friend or Frenemy…Who’s On Your Team?

Friend or FrenemyDo you listen to the Golden Brown Girls podcast? If not, you’re missing out on some “good, good, girlfriend” convo. On episode 4 Danielle Young, of Rhapsodani and contributor to Hello Beautiful, interviews Gorgeous In Grey (GIG) Beauty + Lifestyle Blogger, Ty Alexander.  As anticipated, the conversation was fun, intriguing and insightful. I laughed, I listened, + I laughed some more. In my head we’re all friends and we attend bestie brunches on Sundays, Lol!  I heart Ty because she’s like that opinionated,  I don’t take no BS big sister that gives  you loads of sage advice. Danielle is my boo because she’s just out-right fun & funny, She’s also the GBG Host.  I adore how she always manages to ask the right questions and then cue the perfect song at the perfect time… GBG is a splendid combination of  girl talk and occasional music.

As the interview progresses (around 35:05) the conversation evolves into a discussion of the two types of adult friendships. One being  a genuine friend, and the other being a frenemy. It can be a struggle determining who you have on your team, especially when you really value the relationship and you want it to work out. It’s not like people walk around with big ole signs, with blinking lights on them that read “Beware gurrl, I’m your frenemy”. We have our intuition but for some reason we’ll fight our feelings + question our sanity, like “yo, am I trippin’ or is this chick really hating on me and throwing subliminal shade my way.” What I’ve realized is often times, my gut feelings are spot on. I was listening to one of Oprah’s interviews recently. She said that she attributes much of her success to her ability to tune in to her intuition and follow through with her gut instincts. Look at that, O knows!  There have been so many times where something has happened, that I knew would happen, but I didn’t listen to my intuition and I ended up regretting it in the long run.

Check out what Danielle + Ty had to say about friends & frenemies

Frenemy

  • They only reach out to you when they need you for something (i.e. advice, money, emotional support, etc.)
  • They hang around and they see your accomplishments, but they don’t clap for and celebrate your wins in life
  • They ignore your accomplishments-they see you’re doing big ish but they don’t want to talk about it or even compliment you for that matter. They basically ignore your awesomeness. They be “Petty Whoppin”  on some “Petty Pendergrass” stuff
  • They secretly hate on you
  • They constantly try to “one up” you. When you share your good news they counter by saying something to top whatever you’ve accomplished

Genuine Friend

  • Friends are able to talk about their feelings, and discuss differences.
  • You respect that your friend needs space at times, but y’all pick up where you left off with no hard feelings
  • You understand that your friend is human, they make mistakes- but as friends you all talk things through, and you respond to each other respectfully
  • You try to avoid one-uppin’ your friend. If they are calling you to share their good news, and you have good news to share, you celebrate with them and allow them the time to celebrate their moment before you start sharing and celebrating your own.

Needless to say, thats a mouthful! After hearing their views, especially the point about one uppin’ your friends, I had to take a step back and reflect on my own relationships, both past and present. I realized that I could be viewed as a one upper… gasp. Though it’s not intentional, I could be guilty of sharing my good news at the wrong times. I can recall a few times where someone told me their good news and out of pure excitement, I shared mine as well.  Now that I’ve been schooled, I know that it’s best to let them have that ENTIRE moment to themselves. Its important that we show our friends that we care about the things that matter to them, and so when they come to us to share in something thats happening for them, be it good or bad, we should certainly give them their time to be the center of the conversation. I’ve committed to holding my tongue and excitement for the right time.  I definitely don’t want to steal anyone’s moment. Besides, I have pretty amazing people in my circle and I’d hate for them to feel like they can’t have a moment to themselves. Can you imagine having a convo with your friend and wanting to share something with them, but before you can even arrive to feeling celebrated they switch lanes and make it about them?

Sorta like:

Friend: “Hey girl, I just got some awesome news, I’ve been invited to attend XYZ event, and I’m stoked!”

Me:  “Girl that’s great news, I’m excited for you, I’m sure you’re going to have fun!”  Guess who’ll be interviewing the POTUS”

Clearly, I’m excited about my news and I want to share it, since we’re on the topic. BUT the problem is I didn’t let my friend have her moment of celebration before I blazed through with my good news.  This is merely an example of how easy it is to be an unintentional one-upper.

Now that we’ve discussed that, lets move along to some self-reflection

How many times have you been plagued by the fake friend? Now ask yourself, are you or have you been the fake friend? If you’ve reflected on these two questions and answered yes to either of them, don’t feel bad. I could answer yes to both at some point. BUT, we owe it to ourselves and others to DO BETTER! Life is too precious to be out here spending time with people you don’t even like or care for. Save the nonsensical BS. Why hangout with people you dislike? Don’t hang out with people just to have someone to hate on or talk about? Why go to the club with homegirl smiling, having drinks and rubbing elbows, only to speak negatively about her on the drive home when you’re on the phone with your other “friends” talking bout how her brows be too boxy, and how she’s so basic or telling them how her shoes were leaning and her breath was on TEN. Instead, surround yourself with people you enjoy, people you don’t have a dislike for–that way you won’t have anything negative to feed off of. 

“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people”

Furthermore, It’s pointless for us to associate ourselves with people who don’t genuinely want the best for us, people who can’t celebrate with us when we’re winning or genuinely enrich and add value to our life in some way, shape, form or fashion. We all want to have someone to support us and someone to be supportive of.  For example, the other day I had the pleasure of watching my son play basketball with his team. Regardless of who made the shot or missed the shot, that team-member went seeking a high-five from other members of the team. They were looking for that dap, they wanted to feel that sense of support and reassurance.  Thats exactly how we are in our friendships.  We want to feel supported emotionally + physically. We want reassurance. We want to have someone that has our backs on all fronts. I get, it!  But what benefit is there to having a fake supporter.  Someone who acts as though they have good intentions but their actions say otherwise. Someone who only comes around when they want something from you, or someone who wants to talk about their life occurrences but can never really  take time or interest in what’s happening in yours. What good is an unfulfilling, lackluster, subpar relationship? Why the heck would you expound any amount of time + energy watering and nurturing a fake garden, that you already know will never flourish to be anything other than what it is. Don’t subject yourself to knock-off friendships… why settle for a knock off, when you can have the real Chanel…. you deserve better than that!

“It’s easy to impress me. I don’t need a fancy party to be happy. Just good friends, good food, and good laughs. I’m happy. I’m satisfied. I’m content.”

What are your thoughts on friendship and frenemies? Leave your notes below in the comments section + let me know if you enjoyed this article. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list and share it with your friends on social!

5 Comments
  • Treka L. House

    I love this post! Says everything in a nutshell. I’m a firm believer in self evaluation, even when what I discover isn’t pretty. I require a lot from myself, so it’s imperative that I’m surrounded by genuiness, love, understanding and space…I can be a bit moody. Hey, I’m a cancer, we act like that sometimes. Lmao!

    “Stop nurturing one-sided relationships. They are depleting and are constantly occupying the valuable spaces within you, that should be reserved for more filling connections.”
    Treka L. House

    09.24.15 at 3:05 pm Reply
      • Treka

        Swipe aways swiper…lol!!!

        10.15.15 at 1:48 am Reply
  • Kirsten

    What an amazing post. I’ve had my fair share of frenemies in my life but I’m glad to say that my circle now has my best interest most of the time. However, thus only happened when I made my circle smaller. Lol

    09.25.15 at 8:59 pm Reply
  • Tamika Patrice

    This is so true about the differences between true friend and frenemy. However, I wonder if at some point we’ve all teetered on the side of frenemy. In your mind you are being supportive and you really are happy for your friend but somehow being caught up in your own world we weren’t as genuinely supportive as we could have been. Just food for thought. In my Network to New Work guide I talk about how I have gotten booked by befriending the “competition” so to speak. When it’s your time, it’s your time. So it’s great to sincerely recognize your friends when it’s theirs. Kudos on your post!!

    09.25.15 at 9:55 pm Reply

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